I was up all night, tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep. I have this bad habit of watching the clock when I can't fall asleep. I know I'm not the only one. And no, I wasn't mad at you. I was more mad at myself for not saying anything. Don't get me wrong, I was upset and frustrated, but it isn't your fault. The problem was that every thought imaginable was running through my head, some serious and some totally random. It was the more serious thoughts that were really keeping me up. It was school, work, money, life and my future. All of these things that coincide with one another.
I was wondering how many people think I am a failure. I feel like there are many things that I do that I don't follow through with. In my mind, this makes me a failure. I've tried and tried to go back to school, mostly because that is what people expect. I don't think most people expect this of me in particular. This is a more "in general" kind of thought. Having a bachelors degree will get you far in life. But thinking last night helped me come up with good reasons, possibly excuses, as to why school isn't for me, at least right now.
There are a lot of people my age who have experienced so much more than I have at this point in life. I also realize there are people who have experienced less. I find myself in and around the lower ranks, meaning that I haven't experienced enough yet. I have no deisres as of now to move on in my career. I don't feel like I have had the life experiences in different positions to know whether or not I really want to become a manager. I mean, that is what my degree is right now - Bachelors of Science in Management. So, I have decided that, instead of wasting money (again) doing something I am not ready to do, I am going to call up my councellor and cancel the rest of my classes.
I do have to say I really like my job, a lot. I enjoy doing something that is different than my last job, and I know I will get a lot of experience out of this. I think that this, where I am now, will help me decide a lot about my future. I don't think it will happen anytime soon, but I know that after some time, I will know.
Money has been the topic of conversation this weekend. Ken made me realize that some of my past decisions about money are really going to hurt my future. I am very scared about that. I didn't really thing about the consequesnces of my actions previously, but I know now that I really need to clean up my act. I don't have a choice. Ok, I do, but this is what I NEED to do. I have to get a copy of my credit report and start from there. I will make a budget and not spend money I don't have to. This is the most important thing that was weighing on my mind.
I do think that, for the most part, my life is pretty good. I have parents that love me, a really awesome sister, the most perfect boyfriend, great friends who are there for me, a good job, a roof over my head, a nice car to drive, etc etc etc. I really can't complain. I do, but it's always about the little things. I suppose it's not all that bad then. Complaining about little things means that I don't have any of the big stuff to sweat. That is good! I am going to start going back to the gym and eating healthier. I know, I say that all the time, but this time I hopefully mean it! I have cancelled my membership at L.A. Fitness so I can get one at Pure Fitness because it is around the corner from the condo and becuase it is on my way home from work.
The biggest thing that is scaring me right now is the future. I am very excited for what will be, but I am so nervous that things aren't going to turn out how they are in my head. Of course nothing is going to be perfect and I know things are going to be tough, and I am as prepared for that as I can be. I know that I have less than stellar credit right now, and that scares me because I want to be able to get what I want. I will basically do whatever I can, now, to make that better. I want to get into shape because it will help me get on a routine to stay that way. I am fortunate to have the job I have now because I will be able to pay off my debt faster and start saving (more) sooner. It's a good thing that Ken and I have an account that I can put in money every month, which is my "rent", and not have access to it. I probably would end up spending it. I like being able to buy myself things that I want. It makes me feel good. But I realize that I should only be buying things that I NEED, not what I WANT.
Done and done.
My Goals:
* Get Credit report and cancel credit cards
* Go grocery shopping for HEALTHY foods
* Get membership to Pure Fitness
* Down with spending, up with saving
* Get more sleep :)
